Finding Gifts in Darkness
Let's begin
"To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings."
-Wendell Berry, in Soul Food: Nourishing Poems for Starved Minds, edited by Neil Astley and Pamela Roberson-Pearce
A few reflections
Earlier last month the sun sent an electrical storm our way and we were visited by a spectacular aurora. It was my daughter's first, and after I put her to bed, I sneaked out once more in my pajamas to enjoy the brilliant sky on my own. As I first looked skyward, I didn't notice much, just a faint glow. In the distance I heard migrating geese and yipping coyotes, and decided to linger just a bit longer to listen. Looking up once more, my eyes had adjusted, and now I saw the full glory of the cosmos spreading across the entire sky. I stood transfixed for a long time in awe-struck silence.
Reflecting on this experience later, I realized a parallel in parenting. So often we encounter a "darkness" in ourselves - shame, resentment, rejection - and we don't gaze long enough for our eyes and hearts to adjust so we can see the deeper texture and character of the moment. Instead, we rush back in to the comfort of the warmth and familiar feelings. However, I wonder what would happen if we stayed out just a bit longer? What lessons or new insights might emerge? Maybe we would discover shame is trying to show us the unintegrated parts of ourselves now calling out to be healed, or resentment prompting us to set stronger boundaries to our child and protect our own wellbeing. And maybe we would even discover the miraculous glory of the darkness itself - that just by sitting with it one moment longer it becomes more familiar, less unknown, and we feel calmer and steadier in the long run.
If you were to gaze into the darkness of your own interior, what do you think you'd see emerge? And what do you think you need in order to stay with it just a little longer?
A family practice
Our culture characterizes darkness as threatening, malicious, and to be feared. In reality, darkness is just as good and necessary as light. This is true of those emotions viewed as "dark" as well. Darkness brings unique gifts to each one of us if we would only receive them. This season, guide your family through practices to get comfortable with and appreciate the dark - enjoy a weekly meal by candlelight, go on an evening lantern walk in the park or at the beach, or create shadow puppet stories at bedtime. When we help our children become comfortable with darkness, the inner darkness of uncomfortable emotions also becomes more approachable and manageable.