Autumn Transitions
Let's begin
"In his letter that he wrote — he wrote an amazing letter, Rilke did, from Sweden. And he starts out saying, 'I’ve been thinking.' He’s not responding so much to the cadet, but he’s speaking about: there’s something going to happen. It is enormous. It is huge. 'We must accept our reality in all its immensity. Everything, even the unheard of, must be possible within it. This is, in the end, the only courage required of us: the courage to meet what is strangest and most awesome.'"
-Joanna Macy, Joanna Macy, In Memoriam: Beauty and Wisdom and Courage (and Rilke) to Sustain Us (On Being Podcast)
A few reflections
Last week I drove around a bend and the yellow leaves of fall showered down on my windshield and seemingly all around me. For a moment, the car disappeared and I felt I was swirling up among the wind and leaves. Yesterday, we hiked in short sleeves. Today, already we had a snow day - the soft fluffy snow that lands so gently on a shoulder or eyelash, as if to tenderly usher us into the cold season to come. Tender or not, I don't feel ready. This is a familiar feeling - that unreadiness for a transition. I'm sure you or your child also know it well.
A few days before we came here, my daughter had an uncharacteristic meltdown about a choice of snack. I was feeling especially grounded in this moment and realized the meltdown wasn't about the snack. It was about the many complex feelings associated with coming to Montana. She gradually calmed down, and I sat down next to her and said, "You know, sometimes when we have lots of changes happening all at once, nothing quite feels right. I wonder if that's what happened with your snack. When I feel that way, it helps me to remember it's just because lots of change is happening and soon things will feel ok again... Whatever big feelings you're having, me and your dad will be here with you. We've felt these big feelings before and we know what to do. Maybe you can even give some of those feelings to us to hold if they get too big." She nodded and took my hand and growled into it. Then together we decided I should hold that big feeling in my heart, so I pressed my hand into my chest and then we moved on to something else.
The difficulty of a transition is that we're stepping into the unknown and that may feel enormous and huge. As Joanna Macy and Rilke remind us, all each of us has to do is to meet what is strangest and most awesome - to open to that unknown territory just around the bend. And the thing that will enable your child to do this is you holding strong your connection to them and naming and bearing witness to their experience. Even if you don't know what's coming next, you can be a stable and secure base as they venture into their unknown.
A family practice
Rooting yourself in community builds resilience for transitions - for you and your child. Whether you find community in family, your neighborhood, sports, or spiritual or cultural affiliations, helping your child to feel a part of a larger community provides a deeper rhythm and purpose that supersedes whatever unknown may come with a transition. In particular, there is great value in connecting with multiple generations and giving children a role in the greater group, not only in relation to the other children. My extended family enjoys playing music together, which has always been a source of stability for me in the midst of change and which I am now introducing to my daughter. What points of connection with a greater community can you share with your child? What purpose or role within that community can you pass on to them?
A final thought
Sometimes the particular challenge of a transition for your child is that you are also in transition as a parent. Isn't that amazing? That your child's experience of transition is shaped by your experience of facing the unknown, and vice versa. These moments where your child encounters your humanity and vulnerability are critical for their development and open the door to their mastery of whatever this transition represents for them. Rather than be hard on yourself, allow yourself grace, knowing you only have to be good enough...the rest is fuel for your child's growth.