Winter Work
Sun setting in the distance, and in the foreground, an icy weed sprouting up through the snow.
This year, I’ve unexpectedly been wintering in Montana for an extended time. When we come here, my family is working to restore the native ecosystem on a small patch of rural land. These efforts typically occur in the summer, but this winter we scattered wildflower seeds into the first snow, which is, we've learned, one of the best ways to give them a fighting chance against the weeds in the spring. Isn't it interesting how efficient our efforts are when we use the power of hardship? The wildflowers bloom more easily after wintering. And so too, when you use your child's challenging moments will you have great efficiency in your parenting.
This season is particularly ripe with many opportunities for small adversities to us, though they seem significant for a child. Unmet expectations, disappointments, overstimulation. The intensity of these experiences completely transforms our children at times, though they seem trivial to the casual observer. In these moments, what would it be like to accept your child's full experience? The power of the moment lies not in your "doing" anything, but rather "being" with your child as they learn to tolerate and navigate experiences of discomfort. And, as with my wildflower scattering, you may not see the outcome of your efforts right away. This is also the nature of winter work.
Tonight, I went out for a walk in the quickly dwindling light. This evening was particularly blustery and at one point I found myself wondering if I'd be blown across the neighbor's field. It was both thrilling and humbling. After my walk I realized I'd had a very efficient workout due to the intensity of the wind, although I hadn't really done anything particularly strenuous, just continued on my way against the pressure of the wind. So too, when our child experiences uncomfortable emotions, it is like a strong wind that threatens to knock us over. We may wonder if we'll be blown down the road (or maybe that's the preferred outcome!), we may feel drawn into fixing mode or try to take away the pain. And if we can simply stay in the present, faithful to what's before us in this moment, the wind will do most of the work.
Paradoxically, when we learn to fully accept and tolerate the uncomfortable emotions of our children, they become less scary and more tolerable for the child, too. We demonstrate to our child that we love all parts of them, even those parts that are especially scary to them. The most efficient path to deep contentment and happiness is learning to tolerate and accept discomfort and sadness. When your child learns their emotions are not to be feared, they build resilience, move through more quickly, and return to baseline.